I was ready to give up. My head hurts so bad. I started counting the cost. Not just the cost, but the worth.
I begged the hospital staff to let me go because my family needed me. But then I got home and my head hurt so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I was useless. Sure, they loved me and were happy to see me, but I wasn’t needed. And it’s a good thing I wasn’t.Life is hard… is it really worth it? @_HeatherHart is counting the cost and measuring the worth. Click To Tweet
Nine months ago I was on the top of the world. Hiking in the mountains of Colorado with my churches youth group and my family. Loving Jesus and living life to the fullest.
We had moved from Denver to our small Texas town back in 2012 and small-town living suited us. Texas suited us. We missed the mountains, but we still got out and went hiking at least once a month. Life wasn’t always easy, but I breathed deep. I knew true happiness and contentment.
And then I got a headache that just wouldn’t go away… and it changed my entire world.
I had no idea that first couple of days that I would still be dealing with it over six months later, but here I am. I was hospitalized again at the end of January and I’m sitting here writing this blog post while wearing sunglasses because I can’t bear to look at the computer screen.
So why am I?
Giving Up On Life Would Be Easier
For months I clung to Jesus. I pushed through the pain living for Him no matter what came my way. But then January came around, and it was like one thing after another. It would seem like we were getting relief, only to be hit again, only harder. To spare you the “woe is me” story, we can fast-forward to the night when I was counting the cost and questioning my worth.
I was ready to give up. I was lying in bed trying to think of graceful exit strategies for everything God has called me to. But those last five words stopped me in my tracks.
Did God really call me to these things?
If so, who was I to throw in the towel? Was I playing right into Satan’s hand? Letting him win?
Because I know the end of the story, and he loses.
Why let him win this battle when he has already lost the war.
I Can’t, But God Can
If God has called me to write a blog, or a book, or serve at my church, or minister to my family, or be a light even when my head hurts this bad, who am I to turn away from that. Jesus carried His cross to Calvary (for me). Surly I can survive this migraine until God relieves my pain. Because God can, but His ways are higher than my ways and He hasn’t.
So, if God really wants the books He has called me to write to be written, it will be in His strength, not mine, because my strength is gone. I am at the end of me. I have been for weeks. I am spent.
But God’s not.
I have good days and bad days, but every day I can count on Jesus to be with me. Whether I am sitting at my computer writing in sunglasses or lying in bed crying in pain. I know I am loved by God and there is a purpose to this pain. I know He has called me to keep pressing on, even when it would be easier to just call it quits.
I may not have all the answers. I may never get relief. But I can always trust in Jesus, who died on the cross for me.
How Do You Cope When You Are Feeling Down?
Life is hard. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes. So what helps you when you are feeling down? Is there a Bible verse you turn to? Praise and worship music that helps? Do you talk to a friend? Or do you count your cost and remember your calling as I did?
We would love to hear from you in the comments below.How do you cope when you're feeling down? Click To Tweet
Note: I am not suicidal. When I was ready to give up on life, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never get back out. Sometimes, a good spiritual pep-talk is all you need, but clinical depression is a real thing. And Christians can get depressed. If you are severely depressed you should seek professional help from a doctor or trained counselor. And if you are considering suicide, please call 800-273-TALK (8255), or text NAMI to 741-741. You can also check out this open letter Valerie wrote to her past suicidal self.
*Originally published February 15th, 2018
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